Privileged in Depression

I spent about 2 hours today reading through old posts on old blogs that I've started and stopped for a variety of reasons over the past decade. I couldn't help but identify a recurring theme.

My mental health.

I read the thoughts that I'd written down. I recalled my techniques for getting through the crushing weight of both labeled and unlabeled depressions riddled in those writings. I remember those feelings, thoughts, the frantic fears, worries, and anxieties. Those are not here this time around. Not as loud, at least.

I was struck with the familiarity of the thought patterns that got me to where I found myself in March and still even today; the sameness in the expressions I'd previously written down. On reading the historical record I've left for myself, a question I recently asked my therapist makes more sense. "Is depression like grief in that it never really goes away? It just gets quieter but you always know it's there and it can sneak up on you from nowhere?"

What struck me most was how remarkably different my approach has been in dealing with this current episode. Before, I worked until I couldn't stand, poured my soul into flourishing words on a page, and published my thoughts on the internet in hopes of finding a sticking point with someone. Now I find myself gardening, hiring help, working part time, making lists and slowly completing those lists, while learning to be very careful where I spend my energies.

I realize that my privilege this time is closely related to financial security, possibly age, maybe maturity. I suppose it is also tied, in part to wisdom and wise counsel as well. The security of a good job with health insurance and the seniority to take the time necessary to make it to weekly appointments is a privilege I have not had before. Truth be told, access to mental health services including counselling and medication, while I don't say this to be political, is thanks to provision in the Affordable Care Act.

I've waded through depression over and over for years. It is my sincere hope that what I'm learning from this season will provide me with equipment to recognize a dip sooner and fill me up with tools to get through and out of the depressions that life brings my way in the future.